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1.
Introduction 01:32
2.
you’re gonna die alone, you’re gonna die in vain you’re gonna die defeated, broken, sputtering and insane unable to communicate your confusion or your pain or the sensation of the sudden dissipation of your brain and there will be no grand transition to some mystical dimension no consciousness at all to contemplate your situation yeah you’re future’s pretty grim, my friend, in the future you’ll be screwed but you’re here right now and the present’s up to you so go ahead and build your empire, go ahead and make your fortune go ahead and follow all your dreams you think are so important pour your soul into a memoir every day ’til nothing’s left it’s only gonna last for several billion years or so at best ‘cause even if you find a way to immortalize your consciousness the sun’s still gonna die one day, rendering it meaningless and assuming our society moves to a neighboring galaxy the heat death of the universe will negate it all eventually and even if you climb to heaven, plead your case to god certain judges can’t be reasoned with, it’s a puzzle you can’t solve yeah everything is temporary, everything is doomed but you’re alive right now and the rest is up to you well, it’s hard not to get discouraged when you zoom the lens out far enough but it’s a question of perspective when addressing what we’re made of ‘cause it’s true we’re pretty small, but we’re also pretty huge and when you understand this suddenly the universe looks pretty cool ‘cause there are galaxies inside your eyes, you’ll see them when you find the eternity inside each second you waste terrified of your demise maybe we’re more substantial than we know, but then again maybe I’m only saying this to ease the pain of trying to comprehend you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! you’re gonna die alone! die alone! die alone! die alone! but for now at least there’s rock and roll.
3.
holy shit! I’m falling in a bottomless pit! how the fuck did it come to this?! I was walking along, suddenly I tripped I’ve been falling and screaming ever since and after a while I started to worry, how was I going to eat? so I grabbed whatever falling scraps of food I could find: cold pizza and ramen and pieces of meat life in the pit is not so bad once you get used to the never-ending wind sometimes you even see something rad pass by and disappear again holy shit! I’m falling in a bottomless pit! how the fuck did it come to this?! maybe if I find enough limited edition vinyl records I could build a little ladder and climb out of it then I fell past a man with a rope made of money and he asked if I needed a hand I held onto my pride, said I’m doing fine and I never saw him again holy shit! I’m falling in a bottomless pit! I guess this is really the end but if I smoke enough and drink enough and watch enough porn then at least I’ll enjoy the descent I smoke enough and drink enough and watch enough porn then at least I’ll enjoy the descent
4.
I don’t know who’s throwing this party I don’t know why we’re drinking champagne I don’t know why we started talking I don’t have anything to say I ain’t drunk, but I ain’t sober this isn’t torture but it isn’t fun and it’s not that I don’t like you I just don’t like anyone so get back to me tomorrow get back to me tomorrow get back to me tomorrow I don’t know anything right now I don’t know how long we’ve been here I’m not asleep but I’m not awake and I’m sure this is all really interesting but I just can’t concentrate somebody just offended someone now he’s shouting at someone else and they’re asking for my opinion I wanna tell them to go to hell, but I just say: get back to me tomorrow get back to me tomorrow get back to me tomorrow I don’t know anything right now
5.
I don’t have time to do the dishes I don’t have time to clean my stuff dirty socks and fast food trash they’ve been piling up for months I don’t have time to beat the dungeon I don’t have time to fight the boss I don’t have time for aftershave I don’t have time to fucking floss I don’t have time to practice scales I don’t have time to work on riffs I used to think this was my talent I used to think this was my gift I don’t have time to write this song about not having any time ‘cause I still haven’t found the words for what’s been poisoning my mind I don’t have time to call my parents I don’t have time to see my friends I don’t have time to keep on drinking like the party never ends I don’t have time go on dates I don’t have time to masturbate and I don’t have time to vent all my frustrations in a more subtle way I don’t have time to feel depressed about the things I haven’t done I don’t have time to watch TV I don’t have time for any fun I don’t have time to goddamn think I don’t know what else I can say I don’t have time for anything except to watch all my time slip away I think I really need to take a personal vacation so consider this my official letter of resignation I’m turning in my two weeks notice, withdrawing from society gotta spend some time alone now, I gotta recharge all my batteries, but! this is only temporary I’ll be better in a few weeks and I don’t know what’s gonna happen then, all I know is that I’m sleeping in tomorrow I’m sleeping in tomorrow
6.
Good luck!
7.
I’ve been listening to the radio, I’ve been taking notes ‘cause I’m tired of being a loser, I’m ready to be a rock star, and I know all I need is one hit song to get out of this nightmare I’m in all I need is one hit song where I don’t bitch or moan or throw a hissy fit but I’m sure as fuck not gonna start now! I’m sure as fuck not gonna start now! I’m sure as fuck not gonna start now! ‘cause every time I try to write a goddamn song, all I wanna say is fuck you! fuck you! fuck you! every time I try to write a goddamn song, all I wanna say is fuck you! fuck you! fuck you! and thought I was saying this for someone else but I’m starting to think I’m just screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at myself! screaming at m...
8.
you used to be cool you used to be cool what the hell happened? what the hell happened? you used to be cool you used to be fun you used to please everyone well at least nearly everyone else you never really got the hang of pleasing yourself but at least you could always expect to be treated with respect amongst the select upper tier of your peers your superior status was left unchecked and at least you could always know your friends would follow wherever you’d go ‘cause you used to be cool, you used to be cool, you used to be cool and you used to write songs about parties and drugs and the girls that you thought you loved now you only write songs about yourself in second person but at least you’re still singing something writing sad songs is better than nothing at least that’s what I keep saying to that loser in the mirror and he says, “yeah? well, you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” you used to be cool!” (there’s probably a couple more but I don’t feel like counting them right now)
9.
oh my god! summer’s already here and there are things I haven’t started that I wanted to do this year I was going to write a novel I was going to get in shape well I still got time, I got the inspiration, I got the motivation can’t fuck it up this time, gotta start before it’s too late I’m gonna get off the fucking couch I’m gonna turn off the playstation I’m gonna put on my fancy shirt I’m gonna get out of the house tonight I’m gonna get off the fucking couch I’m gonna turn off the playstation I’m gonna put on my fancy shirt I’m gonna get out of the house tonight as soon as I find the mouthwash where’s the mouthwash? we’re out of mouthwash! fuck it, I guess I’ll just try again tomorrow in this place, the fun never ends hanging out, getting drunk with your friends in this place, it’s a never-ending high and I don’t know a lot, but I know I’m sleeping in tomorrow I’m sleeping in tomorrow oh my god! summer’s halfway through and there are still so many damn things I wanted to do I was gonna swim every morning I was going to get a tan well I still have a chance, but only if I really get going this time can’t make the same mistakes or rewrite the same old plans I’m gonna get off the fucking couch I’m gonna turn off my goddamn phone I’m gonna put on my swimming suit I’m gonna get out of the house tonight I’m gonna get off the fucking couch I’m gonna turn off my goddamn phone I’m gonna put on my swimming suit I’m gonna get out of the house tonight as soon as the episode’s done what time is it? it’s already eleven! fuck it, I guess I’ll just try again tomorrow oh my god, summer’s already done I got nothing accomplished and I didn’t have any fun I was going to get it together I was going to write that album and I guess I could still keep trying but maybe I’m getting too old to really change and maybe it’s time that I just gave up
10.
now I’m sleeping in the car tonight, I’ve found the perfect parking spot chugging down the whiskey to forget the things I’m not and I’m holding back the vomit, I’d rather let the poison kill me you know I’d sooner die than apologize for the things I had to do got a closetful of notebooks filled with words of my former self when I read them, it’s like torture in a self-inflicted hell ‘cause I hate the man I was, the man I am is not much better and I’m finally getting bored of getting better anyway now I’m driving to Olathe, listening to the old demo tape of that short-lived former four-piece act that sang songs you used to hate yeah, they were stupid punk rock anthems, it was a stupid punk rock band it isn’t like I was trying to impress you, you understand now I’m sleeping in the car tonight, I’ve found the perfect parking spot chugging down the whiskey to forget the things I’m not and I’m holding back the vomit, I’d rather let the poison kill me you know I’d sooner die than apologize for the things I had to do I have failed to even meet my own insufficient standards I’ve broken all my resolutions, disappointed my own friends and it’s pretty damn apparent if I had something to contribute to society, then I probably should have figured it out by now but I remember every lyric I never found the time to write and I remember all those big ideas I was too afraid to try and I’m proud of worthless songs like these that momentarily deluded me into feeling a sense of accomplishment now I’m sleeping in the car tonight, I’ve found the perfect parking spot chugging down the whiskey to forget the things I’m not and I’m holding back the vomit, I’d rather let the poison kill me you know I’d sooner die than apologize (also there are a bunch of "Yah dah dah"s in the song but you can probably figure those out on your own. also maybe some cat noises)
11.
I wish I could be singing a more optimistic song for you you know I could really stand to hear one myself ‘cause in the long tradition of terrible years, I think this one has really taken the cake and you know that it’s still possible that next year will be even worse and I should probably tell you it will be ok, I should tell you that you’re gonna see sunnier days I should say all the things a decent person would say but you don’t wanna hear that bullshit and I don’t wanna mess with your head so let’s not pretend that any of this is somehow fair ‘cause it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair you were searching for the answers, but the answers were never there and I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I honestly have no idea how you feel and I know I got nothing useful to say but I swear I’m still really trying to care I gotta admit you seem ill-equipped to handle situations like this maybe it’s because you’re so full of hope yet so full of doubt ‘cause even after you stopped believing in god you kept believing that you were hero of your own story and that things would just sort of work out but you and I know better now yeah, you and I know the truth now and it isn’t pretty and it doesn’t have a happy ending and you’re doing your best to ignore the face of the man you can see through the wall in the back of the restaurant and he’s grinning and he’s singing... it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair you were searching for the answers, but the answers were never there and I don’t wanna look on the bright side tonight, no I don’t wanna find silver linings tonight for whatever it’s worth I just want you to know I swear I’m still really trying to care it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair you were searching for the answers, but the answers were never there and I don’t wanna look on the bright side tonight, no I don’t wanna find silver linings tonight I just wanna remember, I just wanna fucking care it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair, it’s never fair you were searching for the answers, but the answers were never there and I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I honestly have no idea how you feel and I know I got nothing useful to say but I swear I’m still really trying to care
12.
Reset 03:04
well I’ve been playing a video game where there are no checkpoints and no way to save and I’ve been playing this game for twenty-three years and I’ve been making good time, and I think I’m doing fine but if I fall behind, well that’s my greatest fear ‘cause I don’t know how to hit reset, and I don’t know how to quit well I’ve got an idea, but I’m far too scared to attempt it and no matter how hard I’ve tried, I’ve never found a strategy guide though I found some decent walkthroughs when I looked online but when I read them all, they said a different thing each time and all I’m asking, please, is: can I get my money back? can I get my money back? can I trade this life for another one, maybe one with rules I can understand? can I take this back and sell it? or maybe credit I get some in-store credit? can I trade this life for another one, maybe one where I won’t really care if I win or lose ‘cause I think I’m going to lose I had a chat with the creator of the universe said “can I pause this game just for a while, so I can rehearse?” he said, “not yet son, but we’ve got a team that’s working on that it won’t be ready in your lifetime but be sure to come back when we build the next system” and that’s when I screamed at him: can I get my money back? can I get my money back? can I trade this life for another one, maybe one where I’m not trapped inside? you gave me nothing but deceit, yeah, you never even gave me a receipt so can I trade this life for another one, maybe one where I won’t have to die when I finally lose? ‘cause I know I’m going to lose
13.
I think I’ve finally realized some truths about myself I think that I fucked up this perfect hand that I was dealt if I could live for 98 lifetimes, get 98 chances to get it right I know I’d still complain it’s so unfair I didn’t get 99 but I think I’ve finished fretting about every stupid failure and trying to live up to other people’s bullshit standards and staring at the clock wondering just when I’ll get my turn I’m done with all of that shit, let me tell you something I’ve learned: you gotta dance like nobody’s watching you gotta sing like nobody’s listening you gotta live like no one will miss you when you’re gone you gotta dance like nobody’s watching you gotta sing like nobody’s listening you gotta live like no one will miss you when you’re gone you gotta dance like nobody’s watching you gotta sing like nobody’s listening you gotta live like no one will miss you! you gotta live like no one will miss you! you gotta live like no one will miss you when you’re gone!

about

About two and a half years ago, I (Victoria) was in a really rough spot. I was back in college, feeling torn in three or four different directions, and seriously considering setting down my guitar and focusing on school. Then Ben, perhaps aware that the future of the band was on the line, walks into practice one day and says he's got something to show me. He proceeds to play me the first demo for Epic Fail, and with zero hesitation I realized I was going to have to stick around long enough to see this thing to fruition.

The songwriting was the best I'd ever seen from him: heavy, soul-bearing, existential crisis-y lyrics (my favorite!), a diversity of styles ranging from driving power pop belters to thrash-about punk ragers to sad bastard sing-alongs to dance-y chiptune goodness. Plus, he had managed to weave it all together into some kind of mad concept album, warping his own voice into a back-and-forth conversation that provided a strangely-compelling thread connecting not just the lyrics, but the music itself, adding context, setting up punchlines, and generally rewarding the brave soul who dares to forge their way through the entirety of this beautiful beast.

Without a doubt, this is the coolest project I've ever had the good fortune to work on. We really hope you enjoy it!

credits

released July 20, 2018

Ben wrote all the songs on this one, with a few suggestions here and there from Victoria. He sings lead on most of it, plays keys on all of it, and did the vast majority of the programming (drums, synths, etc).

Victoria recorded, mixed and mastered the album (with lots of input from Ben, of course). She played all the guitar parts, sang unison/backup vocals on several songs, and sang lead on "Reset", which Ben wrote for her to sing back in the Panda Circus days but which has never had a proper release until now.

We also had a lot of guests on this album!
In order of appearance:
*Additional vocals (1, 9, 12): Maggie Cargill, Matt Orr, Lawrence March, Anne Cuddy, Sebastian Carl Smith
*Cello (2): Justin Cabral
*Alto Saxophone (3, 7, 12): Leslie Butsch
*Trumpet (4, 8, 9): Nick Howell
*Trombone (4, 8, 9): Mike Walker

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Something and the Whatevers Lawrence, Kansas

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